Posts Tagged 'olympics'

Rogge To Write New National Anthem For Jamaica

My sources tell me that Jack Rogge’s is penning a new national anthem for Jamaica and he’s already got himself a great title for the piece! Rogge, a one time DJ and part-time accordionist is getting down in Eddy Grant’s studio to come up with something that will “blow the shit out of the water” as the current anthem is “way too stoned”.

Speaking to a friend of mine Rogge explains “The Jamaicans are sick, sick, sick I tell you of that reggae shit. What I wanna do is come up with something that will reflect the speed of ‘The Lightning Bolt’ (Heh! heh!) as well as mixing in the street sounds of friendly fire. I tell you, they won’t be singing Eddy’s I Don’t Wanna Dance anymore for they will be shouting for I Wanna Run, Run, Run Into The Sun, Sun, Sun! I still think the guys should show more respect for their competitors when they smash the records and shake hands, give a tap on the shoulder to the other ones immediately after the finish and not make gestures like the ones Usain made in the 100m.”

Michael Phelps To Be Turned Into A Country

If Michael Phelps were a country he would currently be third in the medals table, just ahead of USA. Now my sources tell me that the most unimpressed athlete of all time is to be turned into an actual country.

Below are some plans:

  • His eyebrow is going ot be a hedge
  • His mind will be an activity centre
  • The ears will be docks – one for boats; the other for alien spacecraft
  • His chest will be used to grow GM foodstuffs for Africa as well as housing a cloning centre for other Michaelphelps which will then swim the water into into the atmosphere so that us regular humans can reclaim use the land to fight global warming
  • His arms will be funpark rides

There are fears however that whith his 12,000,000,000 tonnes of omitted sewage from his anus that Michaelphelps could overtake China in the table ofmost polluting countries.

Why They Should Allow Drugs In The Olympics

  • We could see how fast humans really can go
  • It would make the interviews a bit more lively
  • Races would be more entertaining. (Imagine them getting into the water for the swimming all paranoid and hating every minute of it.)
  • We could award a new championship for the people who could stand still on the podium for the longest
  • Athletes need painkillers

Ideas For The Olympics 2012

Here are some ways in which they could improve the Olympics. I welcome your ideas also:

  • Make robot singers complete with built-in MP3 players
  • Introduce some obstacles in the swimming races e.g. Underwater tunnels with water-snakes, islands with alligators and pygmys with darts.
  • Put all the boxers in the same ring time and let them go for it. The last three standing all get a medal each. Call it ‘Last Man Standing’.
  • Have Stuart Hall from It’s A Knock Out commentate on all games

888 – The Number Of Luck

So it’s the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year and the Olympics has started without any major mishaps. Must be their lucky day or something.