If Michael Phelps were a country he would currently be third in the medals table, just ahead of USA. Now my sources tell me that the most unimpressed athlete of all time is to be turned into an actual country.
Below are some plans:
His eyebrow is going ot be a hedge
His mind will be an activity centre
The ears will be docks - one for boats; the other for alien spacecraft
His chest will be used to grow GM foodstuffs for Africa as well as housing a cloning centre for other Michaelphelps which will then swim the water into into the atmosphere so that us regular humans can reclaim use the land to fight global warming
His arms will be funpark rides
There are fears however that whith his 12,000,000,000 tonnes of omitted sewage from his anus that Michaelphelps could overtake China in the table ofmost polluting countries.
Mark E. Smith was in the Queen Elizabeth Hall recently promoting his new book, Renegade. He didn’t learn anything new in writing the book and he explained that he had to make stuff up as he had to fulfill a word count. Mark was as obnoxious as you would expect where he just disagreed with pretty much everything put his way. He even called into question the internet explaining that it was “just some fucker in Hartlepool in his bedroom”. He also claimed that The Fall were “not a fucking Manchester band” and “not a fucking Salford band” but they were in fact “a fucking nothing band” and that they “could’ve fucking come from anywhere.”
After the “gig’ Mark E was doing a book signing so I went along to meet the man…
I brought along my mate and singer of Eggtimer. Joe brought with him an acoustic guitar. When we reached the front of the queue I played Mark the bassline of Mountain Energei on Joe’s acoustic…
CH: Do you know it? MES: *Looking puzzled and interrogating me with his eyes* CH: *Playing the bassline again* Do you know it? MES: Yeah I do actually… what is it? CH: I Dunno. You fucking wrote it! MES: *Looking puzzled and interrogating me with his eyes*
Mark just continued to scrutinise me whilst chewing his tongue and trying to decide should he hug me or throw me a beating. I think it was my suit and tie that was throwing him.
I then asked him to sign my book asking him what was that bit of graffiti he read on a wall in Belfast that he was referring to during his In Conversation performance. I thought he’d said something like “Our future is your history.” Instead he said it was “Our equity is your future.” I prefer my misinterpreted version.
It was all very light-hearted until I asked him if he’d sign the guitar also and he explained very elaborately “Naa.” He didn’t seem to mind having his picture took all the same.
So it’s the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year and the Olympics has started without any major mishaps. Must be their lucky day or something.
My brother sells screening products with company Dig A Screener. It’s a concept that’s taking off whereby cost is reduced by better handling of materials onsite.
Dig A Screener screens soil, compost, stone, woodbark, chickens, etc. This is a solution for processing material onsite with small machine by one person.
New product range being launched in Saltex, Windsor 2 - 4 September. 3 - 12 tonne excavators and small front end loaders.
My sources tell me that Jimmy Krankie will be playing Penguin in the new Batman and the other Krankie, the Dad one, will be playing the Riddler but there is a sting in the tale in that Jimmy (Penguin) bites the Dad (Riddler) and then the Dad Krankie becomes Bad Krankie. But then Morten Harket comes to save the day as Robin. But he teams up with the other members of Aha and then become Alan Partridge who tries to interview Batman. (”Take On Me / Take A Chance On Me” etc). They get an interview in the can but no one can understand what Batman is saying.
My father has always said that there are opportunities when the economy is shrinking as well as expanding. This is taken from www.star-telegram.com:
Deloitte LLP said Monday it will build a $300 million training center on 107 acres in Westlake that will include 800 guest rooms for
visiting employees.
Construction on the 750,000-square-foot campus will begin in 2009, and the center is expected to begin in 2011, Deloitte said.
"The facility will serve as a central destination for all of Deloitte's talent, including everyone from new hires to senior leadership to
partners, principals, and directors," Deloitte said in a release.
Barry Salzberg, Deloitte's CEO, said the firm expects the center "to become the heart of our organization, the place where we meet, learn and
develop our next generation of leaders."
The facility will include conference spaces and classrooms. Deloitte said it plans "leadership events," events with prominent professors, and networking
programs.
The center will include "dining venues," a ballroom, business center, recreational facilities, and fitness center.
Deloitte said it will use environmentally-friendly "green" considerations in the design and construction.
We are playing in Nambucca, 596 Holloway Road, London, N76LB tomorrow. On at 8.45. Come on down if you are in town. No two Eggtimer gigs are the same. No two Eggtimer songs are the same. All our songs rock though. Don’t believe me? Ok, fair enough.
I read yesterday that by man has all the gadgets he desires by the age of 46. Bullshit obviously but it got me thinking. I play bass every week for my band Eggtimer and I play on a 5 string bass that only has 4 string - one broke. I have always wanted a Rickenbacker bass.
So I thought about it. I play every week. I don’t have a car. Why have I not got one already? Nurse! Where’s my eBay?
I was going to blow a few pound on a decent acoustic this week so I popped down to Denmark Street… When I was there I played a couple of antique guitars. Antique guitars are great because
They look cool
You don’t have to wait for them to age
So instead of shelling out £800 for one on Denmark Street I picked arch top Kay True Tone one up on eBay from the states for £220 including postage. Hopefully my Roy Orbison songs will begin to sound less awful.
Ever since I saw Reeves Gabrels play his guitar with a dildo in Tin Machine I have always wanted his guitar sound. I was in a shop in Denmark St today and this kid walked in trying to flog a Fernandes Monterey with infinite sustain. The shop weren’t interested but I bit his hand off. £270 nicker. Bargain. Check out what infinite sustain on a guitar sounds like:
Matthew Yee-King - Electronic (Artificially Intelligent) Percussion
Alex Maclean - Laptop
Cormac Heron - Electric Guitar
Just joined a new band yesterday called Killerhurts. First gigs will be on Tuesday 24th June in Goldsmiths, New Cross, London from 6pm til 8pm and then in the New Cross Inn after that. (Am excited to be playing electric guitar again.) Eggtimer will of course be playing after Killerhurts.
Band: write the notes below. Let’s free up the inboxii. Yes.
I got a bit busy there. Normal service has now been resumed. My grandfather used to always say “If your mind is going funny you’re not doing enough with your hands.”
The Best Of The Valentine’s gig was the best gig I’ve played this year. Kevin Hylands and we barely rehearsed for it but we were still over-rehearsed from our Valentine’s Day gig. Special thanks to half the staff of Headshift who came along, particularly Lars who took some amazing photos.
Jem Finer, the banjo player from the Pogues, advised I get meyself a Fishman pickup for my banjo. It’s the business. What Jem didn’t tell me was to buy a cordless system and put the banjo through an Ibanez Tubescreamer. Plenty of feedback but even more fun! Photo by Lars from Headshift.
Price: £4 b4 8 with a picture of this page on your phone; £5 after 8 with a picture of this page on your phone; £6 if you are stupid
The genius thing about playing a gig on Valentine’s Day is that it’s already genius. The sad thing is that only lonely saddos come and see you play. Well Kev and I have decided to play the songs from our Valentine’s Day gigs of this year and last year in what would be The Best Of The Valentine’s which will actually be the worst of the music of both shows.
We put in so much work for both shows that we are putting none in to this one. Still we are overrehearsed for it. Come on down. You will laugh your wet pants off.
Watch out world! i’m coming to get you with my electric banjo. Ace Of Spades and I Wanna Be Your Dog will never sound the same again!
I bought a Fishman pickup a while back which was recommended to me by The Pogues’ banjo player Jem Finer. Well watch out Jem. You’ll’ve wished you kept that bit of advice to yourself I am sure in no time aye and all so it will be a mess to be certain. I’m so excited with it I can’t even write.
Computes are stupid but people are geniuses. I was recording music for an upcoming show. I moved the files to my external Hard Drive, then went to delete them. Not sure if they failed to delete or I failed to multi-task correctly. Either way I couldn’t boot up my Mac cos I had run out of memory. So what did I do? I asked myself the perennial question that usually provides all solutions: What would Prince do? Answer: Throw out the machine, the project and all the people around him and start a new recording session.
I couldn’t agree with Prince on this one so I pretended to ask my other source of info: Homer Simpson. Homer responded. “You won’t find your answers at the bottom of a beer glass.. you’ll find them on T.V! “
I think Homer was nearly right. The ultimate Knowledge Management tool is the web. I remember helping a friend out who is in her 40s. She had a problem with her boiler. Instead of lifting a hammer to it I which is what she was expecting me to do I consulted the web and duly had it up and running in under 10 minutes.
My point in this is that if you have a problem and can’t be bothered paying for a solution or can’t be arsed waiting for some genius to get back to you, go to the web as some other genius will have written about it already. I’m now writing UNIX code to delete corrupted audio files. Who would have thought? If it made any sense to her I would call my mother to impress her. Instead I think I’ll call my sister and wish her a happy birthday. Happy Birthday Máire.
A couple of weeks ago I played a blinder gig with my improv rock band Eggtimer. We were all on fire. I was so on fire I broke a string on my D string on 5 string bass. How rock is that? And I’m 35 years old! If I did coke and hookers I’d be up there with John Entwhistle.
Instead of replacing my string I have decided to play the now four stringed bass and be on fire every time until I break the rest of the strings. In fact my main ambition is to end up with no strings during a gig and just hum bass lines. Why not? I have a baritone voice so my singing tutor tells me.
Lent is over so we can all eat chocolate like a right old bunch of sinners. Going from 5 cups of coffee down to none my kidneys started to hurt so I went back onto one cup a day. Now I am just on the tea. I went back on the chocolate soon after the beginning of Lent as it`s just too damn nice. TV I managed to stay off for the whole of Lent except for the last week when I went on a family holiday. It doesn`t help that my cousin is Orla Chennaoui, a reporter for Sky News. Still, today I will return to London and I think I will stay off TV except for the Formula 1 races. Looks like Ferrari will take this tournament away with themselves though with the pace Raikkonen showed in Malaysia this morning.
My uncle has had a few heart operations over the years. After his last one he turned to the cardiologist and said, “If you boys get much better at this you`re gonna have to shoot me!”
A mandolin has four pairs of strings - that`s eight in total. It is usually tuned like a fiddle which is the following from treble (your feet) to bass (your head).
E
A
D
G
You can tune the mandolin also by tuning it to the seventh fret.
If you can`t do number 9 then get yourself a new phone
Special thanks to my brother in law who is an electrical engineer. “Basically phones and water are fine but electric and water are not good friends.” Unfortunately we had this conversation about 2 hours after my incident so email me if you are trying to get in touch.
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